His Desperation
by Pictomancer-Murasaki
Summary: (Elricest) Nights before they transmuted their mother, Al realizes that it's time for Ed to know what his feelings are for him.


Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and it's characters. K?

I suck at making english-paragraph fics. You have been warned! (yes, I'm not encouraging you to read my fic!)

ELRICEST!

I should start making humor fics. It's bad for my condition when I feel too emotional. My chest tightens... Grr... but making these kinds of fics is the only way I could share my feelings. (I have issues...)

Hehe, cool, my way of making fics is kinda developing, but my sentence's and vocab still sucks.p

Just a burst of emotions... Al's emotions... My emotions...

**His Desperation**

_I love you, Niisan..._

It was such a strong word, but it was the only word that describes how I feel about him...

... But I have never told him that.

"Niisan, am I not enough for you?" I whisper, not sure if he heard, as we fix our bed to sleep that night.

It was a few nights before we revived mother...

"Hm? Did you say something Al?" Niisan asks with a gentle voice with a smile.

_How can I tell you? I'm too scared..._

"Ah, n-nothing... j-just talking to myself..." I lied, it was a very painful question...

We just got back a few days ago from training. As soon as we stepped into our home, Niisan headed for Father's library and picked certain books from the bookshelf.

_The books Father left... about Human Transmutation..._

"Just a little more... Mother..." I heard him murmur as he scan one of he books. He was excited to get our mother back.

_Very excited..._

Niisan never wanted to hear me talk about God or anything related to religion, he says _We're alchemist's, we shouldn't believe in that._

But I badly wanted to pray for mother's soul to rest in peace. The thought of Human Transmutation has frightened me because of the things Sensei told us. It's not that I don't want mother back but... will there be a big price to pay for mother's life? What can equal our mother's body and soul?

I badly wanted to stop Niisan in this foolishness he's planning.

And also...

_Doesn't he notice the feelings I have for him?_

_I love you, Niisan..._

He was the one who's studying most of Father's Alchemy books. I just help him out whenever he needed me.

I feel happy with our interaction. I help whenever I can, cause I feel happy whenever I see Niisan full of energy and cheerful, and he appreciates my help.

But... Mother's still on his mind.

Why? Why? Why?

Am I jealous over my own mother?

"Niisan, I love you..." I said in a hurry while we were so consumed in our studies.

"I know." his head peeks up from the book he's reading, he gave me a smile, "I love you too." he continues.

I gave him a big grin and we both head back to our reading.

_Yes, I love you so much, Niisan._

_Mother's gone, can't you accept that?_

_You still have me, aren't you happy with me?_

_Am I not enough for you?_

_Answer me, Niisan!_

I looked away from him as we go to sleep that night. I couldn't stop the tears that fall from my eyes, I badly wanted to touch him, feel his body pressed to mine in a loving embrace. I wanted him to love me.

_Love me..._

But I ask myself why? Why do I want my own brother this much?

Is it because he's the only one left in my life...? I always feel happy when I'm with him, it's like I can't live without him.

I couldn't explain well how I feel. Even I couldn't understand what I'm feeling. It's very different from mother's love for us... very different from our love for our mother...

_I love him..._

It was a different _Love_... It was a very different _Love_...

I turn to face his sleeping form. I wipe away the tears from my eyes as I stare at his innocent sleeping face.

_I want you to know how I feel..._

I knew I was doing something very wrong. I might change our relationship into something dangerous...

I carefully held his face and I draw my face close to him. _Niisan..._

I close my eyes as my lips gently touches his. It felt fine. His sleeping face stayed unchanged.

I felt my heart beating fast, I was nervous. But I couldn't stop...

I deepen the kiss. It was so wrong, but my aching heart says it's so right...

I felt a hand on my chest that pushed me away, my eyes shot open. I look directly at Niisan's direction and found him sitting up, his golden eyes were giving me a disgusted terrified look.

"What the hell were you doing?" he screamed in horror.

I just stared back at him with my normal look. "Niisan, _I love you..._" I softly spoke as I approach closer to him, he was scared, I can feel that. "I love you too, but... I don't get what you're doing!"

He moves away from me, but I just move closer and closer to him, until he was against the wall, I cornered him. "It's different for me. I love you in a different way..."

I held out my hand as I close the distance between us. As I embrace him, I felt him shaking in my arms. "It's alright if you hate me... I just want you to know that I love you." I felt tears form in my eyes, I badly wanted him to love me.

"A-Al... Stop this..." his voice was shaking, he was scared, but he wasn't crying.

I let go of him and headed for the door. "Thank you, Niisan." I whispered then left the room to sleep somewhere in this empty house. Away from him...

That morning, both of use were giving each other a cold treatment. None of us spoke until night came again, both of us stayed in our room this time. I was lying on the floor while he was on the bed.

I couldn't go near him, I might loose control and do something

"Al...?" Niisan called out from his bed.

"Hm?"

"We'll revive Mother tomorrow..." he flatly said. He sat up from his bed and looked down at me, and continued "Is that alright with you?", he was giving me his usual smile, as if nothing happened.

"Mmm," I agreed without thinking twice. I didn't have any choice... I just smiled back.

The night of the transmutation came. We both realized that something seemed wrong as the transmutation circle was activated.

"Niisan!"

I called out to him as I felt myself... dissapearing...

"AL!"

He tried to reach out to me, but our hands wouldn't reach.

_Please spare him..._

"AL!"

_Take my body... soul... everything..._

I see his left leg dissapearing, but he didn't mind. He desperately reached out to me, his tears were streaming down his cheeks as he calls out my name over and over again.

_I don't want to see him crying..._

_Niisan..._

And everything went blank...

"Niisan, I'm going with you!" my noisy clanking footsteps were heard as I head towards Niisan, carrying his luggage.

_I'll go with you wherever you go._

We were getting ready to leave the Rockbell's home. Niisan has just made up his mind to become a State Alchemist.

We're leaving for Central...

"It'll be dangerous. Are you okay with that?" he jokingly asks.

"Who will help you carry your luggage then? Or who will stop you when you over react overthings?" I kindly replied.

_Who will share the sin you're painfully carrying now? I'm also responsible. I should've stopped you..._

"Hmph. Alright, alright..." he gave a pouting look.

My past sin was forgotten, as a graver sin has befallen us. Now I know he painfully blames himself for giving me this body.

_Niisan, I don't blame you for anything... I could never blame you..._

_We both have sinned, but I have sinned more..._

I was punished. Now I couldn't touch you... couldn't feel you...

Am I worth saving after what I've done to you?

You gave me your warm smile. Do you love me...?

_Niisan... Thank you..._

**Wakas**

Thinks I remember writing another fic with this kind of atmosphere. Yes, it's another incest, but... I haven't released that fic yet, since I haven't finished it yet.

Hanging ending! Sorry about that...

I shouldn't be doing this on this day. Been watching CNN since morning... It's 4:19am 040305...

Thanks for reading!

Salamat!

Pictomancer Murasaki


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